I’ve been doing some thinking about the last post and how the initial event started and then transpired. It’s left a bitter taste in my mouth and I can’t quite shift it yet.
I am a firm believer that its ok to feel hurt, pain, anger, frustration etc so long as we are willing to work towards understanding it and fixing it. I don’t think it’s ok to vent it towards others, either directly or indirectly or to make it available to the world. I still feel hurt by the whole situation I was faced with 2 days ago. I was mortified that I’d offended and angered the person I’d mentioned and I immediately acted to apologise and explain. However the more I think of it the more I see the way it has panned out was by someone else’s lack of thinking and in all honesty, ability to read it in the way I would say it. The comment was made in a private, select group and was in no way offensive unless to a very, very sensitive person so basing it on that minimal allowance I shouldn’t have said what I did.
So why then do I find that it’s ok for those ‘defending’ don’t give a hoot how I am left feeling, don’t see they too could do with making an apology to me for 1. misunderstanding and/or 2. their reaction to me.
I have lost much trust and faith in people just now. I don’t usually find it hard to forgive anyone, even though I may choose to not have them in my life again it all depends on the situation and how bad it is. So with this being something minor, and the person I said it about hasn’t made contact with me I am baffled why I feel so hit over the head. I am also baffled why the people concerned chose to see my comment as an attack rather than a tease...I very rarely stop joking around. If I have to change that much then who am I, really? It’s not something new that I said, I said it to the person concerned and he laughed and said ‘yeah, it seems like it sometimes’. I have told this person time and again that I do understand how busy he is, how many times I (and most likely others too) need to wait and be patient for a response from him. That’s ok, I get it.
Today I am seriously struggling to raise my 8 yr old in this kind of setting. I have to raise him to be the best he can be and if I can feel alienated (and this isn’t the first time) amongst my own then I refuse to teach Charley how to do that too.
Practice what you preach people, because as it stands I don’t see it happening and I will not conform to someone else's standard and become like some of the examples I’m experiencing. Hard? Yes, probably but that is what I’m learning in this ‘area’, and it seems I’m becoming all too good at it. :(
Debs
Elder David A Bednar gave a talk a few years ago about us choosing to be offended and to decide beforehand not to allow that, to ‘hear’ or ‘see’ something in the way it was intended now how we feel we should accept it. I wholly agree with that.
But once in a while I fail at it.
And I hurt.
When I know I’ve offended someone it plays on my mind, I need to put it right and I don’t really settle till I know I’m forgiven and all is well again. Sometimes this takes more time than I’d like but I see that as a test to my own patience and the other person needing to process in their own time.
I’m not aware of not trying to correct a wrong but if I have any outstanding I hope I remember them. I am far from perfect, I am willing to fix and change things, I am willing and able to compromise and do what I can.
At the moment I’m struggling with practice what we preach syndrome. I activated an apology after I made a joke, offended someone and it all got blew up out of proportion. I spent the last 24 hours in tears, I’m so tired from not being able to sleep for longer than 20 mins before waking up crying again. I accept I commented in the wrong place, I accept that not everyone understands my humour and I accept that some may not even see how it was intended. Heck, maybe it was even inappropriate! So I apologised to the person concerned. Technically this is all I can do but as other people are involved I see how this is already backfiring.
I am coming to dislike the surroundings I choose to belong to at times, I almost always feel that I am wrong no matter what I say or how I feel. It appears that little or no attempt to understanding me or my feelings is being made while I am trying to understand others. I question things, I can’t just be a yes-girl, heck even President Hinckley exhorted us to question things, even things he said, even to pray about them. It seems to me that the word here is ‘conform’.
So I have a huge decision to make. It’s not easy because I don’t want to be in this situation but my life right now is at a low ebb, health issues that I will never overcome, mobility that I cant change and physically I will never manage without round the clock pain but as few are really aware of the effects of this I doubt there is much credit when I do speak up. So while I am grateful for these challenges I know there is a way through them and Heavenly Father will lead me well but emotionally I am not strong enough to feel so insignificant and low. The really sad thing is I feel my heart hardening. I don’t think I’ve ever had a hardened heart in my life but there’s something not working for me around here and I have to figure it out.
One day things will get better and very often I don’t think it will be in this life.
Debs
...doesn’t mean it can’t hurt you. It can. It will. It does.
Today I set off at silly o’clock to go and babysit my youngest granddaughter for the day in Bournemouth. We, Kirsten, Charley and I were very excited even though we’d only have a little time with Bailey, my oldest granddaughter before and after her playgroup trip. Something is better than nothing, right?
So it began like this:
6am - alarm goes off
6.30- i jump up, having dozed off again, we should be out by now
6.40- after figuring out that the satnav is taking me to Jay & Tara’s old address up north I reset it to the new one, down south. drat!
8.10- car chugs
8.13- electrics flash on and off and car loses all power
8.14- pull into the hard shoulder the car has died
At this point I panic. For the first time in over 20 years of driving I hadn’t added the breakdown/recovery to my insurance and I have never used AA or RAC as an independant cover, it just never occurred to me. So here I am, two kids staring at me intently waiting for my reaction and I’m blank. Who can I call? What can I do? I called the RAC, AA and Green Flag, their call out was a whole lot more than I had in my account. I called my mom, no answer. There was no-one else. Having no choice I called the police and asked for their advice. The guy was really helpful and said someone will come out to me and assist me more.
The relief overcome me to tears. I was frustrated that I am not in a place to have been able to deal with this effectively on my own. The last 16 months has been a step forward, 3 back and while life is a whole lot better I am still struggling to do all the things I have to do much less what I want to do.
The police stop by, a wpc who is very nice, friendly and helpful. Then she drops a bombshell that I almost collapsed from.
“You have no car insurance, do you?”
My jaw drops. What? No! Yes! I know I do because last month the insurance company took 3 payments instead of one and my bank refunded me two of them. I racked my brain, I can’t argue with a police officer yet how can I prove I am being honest when I have no paperwork on me. WPC Paull takes my details and gets confirmation of me via DVLA. When that’s done she says calmly
“Don’t worry, let me help you sort that out first then we’ll sort out moving the car”
Not being used to police attention I take this as a positive.
Ten minutes later, with rain lashing down I am sat in the back of the police car explaining the bank issue and thats how I know I have insurance. It’s due again this Friday. She goes on to tell me that any kind of hiccup with the insurance they cancel it and don’t always write or email to let the policy holder know. At this point I am fighting and losing against the tears. I’ve never been in this or any similar situation. I have a clean licence, I respect it and I don’t take it lightly.
WPC Paull confirms my last payment with Kwik Fit, she also confirms the reimbursed payments and reassures me that the proof I have is innocent and the fault of the company. However, because she has been sent out to me rather than just stopping by randomly she has to account for the call out and therefore she must impound my car and inform the courts.
My heart stops. I am near Bristol and have 2 kids with me. No-one to call on and I’m about to lose my car to who knows how much for the repair and recovery. The thought of court, fine, points really does bother me, I feel like a cheap criminal. I try not to get too emotional in front of the officer, I don’t want to appear even more stupid. While she was doing paperwork she was asking questions about my former address. Oh goodness, this is where I sound like a down and out loser. I admit I was in a homeless situation for 8 months and therefore my last insurance policy has the address of my former home in the forest of dean. Then she asks why I lost the house. I tell her and she looks at me, mouth gaping open.
“Oh my, you are really having a sh*t time of it aren’t you?”
I nod and feign a smile. What else can I do?
She reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes. “I’m sorry” she said “Sometimes I come across people who are struggling so much and I want to help them”
She touches my heart and I assure her that at some point it will get better. She looks at me again and says “Why are you doing it all alone?”
I have no answer. I have great friends who are supportive, encouraging and keep me going. The people I trust most are far away, not a drive away, not round the corner, not across town. Here, I am alone. I cannot perform to a standard that is ‘expected’ of me right now and therefore that disqualifies me of be cared about or helped. Heck, I didn’t qualify when I did conform.
WPC Paull explained what had to happen next. The car would go to a garage in Bristol and they would contact me when they’ve checked it over. I have 7 days to get new insurance and produce all my documents to Bridgwater Police Station, they will stamp the ticket and then I have a further 7 days to pay for and collect the car, including recovery costs and daily charges from Bristol. In the meatime, I am to expect a summons from the court for driving with no insurance. She advised me to not accept guilt but to request a hearing in court, she will attend and is happy to stand on my behalf that I was compliant, forthcoming with information and she feels I am being truthful. Sadly I will get approx. 6 points for this if I am found guilty and I will get a fine.
If I’m honest I don’t expect to be found not guilty. Even with the proof I have.
Seeing the car being loaded up, we were promptly taken to Parkway train station in Bristol. The officer chatted to Charley and we laughed and joked. When we got out the car she hugged me and said “ hey, this is not the worst that could happen, you will get through this and if I see you again I want it to be for other reasons that are good” I thanked her for being so assuring to me and set off to figure out the train journey home.
I should have just stayed home.
The tickets were £26 for all three of us to get back to Bridgwater, one change over at Bristol Mead. Ok we can do that.
Charley loved it. He doesn’t remember the steam train rides he’s been on before so this was new for him. I tried hard to not cry in front of the kids but I failed. Charley dozed off at one point and Kirsten looked ashen. My heart ached for them. How their lives are so limited and tight. Why did they choose me to be their Mom? They deserve so much more, better, but they are lumped with me.
This is not the worst that could happen and I will figure it out somehow, but for me its one more thing that tells me how much of a failure I am, how unprepared I a in life. No matter how much joking or positive thinking, no matter how much I focus on the scriptures or my prayers I still find hurdles I am not tall enough or strong enough to get over.
Laying on my bed earlier I doze off to sleep with one feeling in my heart:
‘ God has forgotten where I am ‘
I am always excited at this time of the year, turning off the alarm clock is just bliss...but when you find on your first morning that you wake up at the same time its somewhere between annoying and amusing! But on we go...
This first week we have spent a few days preparing for a couple of days down south with my friend Julie and her family. It was fun and the area is gorgeous. The weather was tops and yep, we burnt on the beach. Joy!
However, what hit me was how independent my kids are becoming. For as long as I can remember I have planned for the kids to have something to do through this long school holiday but this year when I got them to sit and list a few things they’d like to achieve they added the usual:
Yep, they added the beach about 12 times in that list by the time they’d finished! So far we’ve done the beach twice...so I could well be on target! lol
However, 3 of the days so far we’ve been away, 3 days Charley has been to summer club and 1 day was spent in the garden as a family playing card games, word games and water fighting. We’ve had family visiting and spent heaps of time returning the fun. We’ve even had my nephew Kian doing ‘fencing’ with Charley!
For the first time since I can remember my kids aren’t pulling on me for attention or whinging the ‘I’m bored’ card {yet} but getting on and having their own fun...without me! I’m not sure how I feel about this yet, especially at 16 and 8...surely I’m not that redundant yet? All I know is the end of each day this is the how much the dude is zapped...
On the other hand, there is just over 5 weeks to go....
Debs
A few weeks ago I hit a rather aggressive situation that I knew immediately I had dealt with wrong. Finding out my ‘best friend’ was the route of all things wrong as good as floored me. Through this friendship I had received a lot of help and support, encouragement and butt-kicking when I need it, yet at the same time this person was Jeckyl and Hyde to my expense.
When the truth came out I reacted in my typical way. I shouted, I got angry and I released all fury on this person. Being called a liar never goes down well with me, I am not proud to admit that when I am accused of this I can go flash to bang in zero seconds. I just abhor lies/liars. When I also find out that this person instigated so many negative situations then claimed to be the victim I would stand up for them, lose friends over them and even though I had a nagging feeling I still relied on the side of this person that they portrayed to the ‘world’.
Im not too sure who the fool is here, them or me. But I am not happy with how I acted.
Subsequently it all shook my being. I questioned every person who spoke to me, I doubted everyone. One day I found I even doubted God. That is not my style as a rule but I did.
Now, a few weeks on I have had a journey to take, one which has had me in pieces. Not for this person but for the damage they caused, knowing they will never own up to the lies, the deceit and/or the responsibility they have in it all yet will happily and readily relay my personal information with half truths and a judgement that changes according to who they’re talking to and what they have to gain from it.
As the weeks have rolled by I have put this person aside, I no longer get angry or cringe at the sound of their name, I no longer feel the need to defend them or make excuses for them, but at the same time I have no desire to speak of them in any way at all. They are nothing to me anymore. Just another person on the planet with the rest of us. I see them for who they are, it is their judgement call not mine. The promises I made through that friendship will be honoured by the same agreement as they were made, but that is because I realise I have the more integrity.
Cos when all is said and done, the truth is the truth.
Debs
My dad never lets me quit, not even for a moment. My dad is kinda smart like that. I don’t ever remember him criticising me, putting me down or showing disappointment or lack of faith in me. I am pretty sure that over my 43 years I’ve done plenty to cause him despair, disappointment and even frustration yet he has not once shown it. Each of my pregnancies he has been supportive, encouraging and wanted to know all the details of the baby and how I’m doing. When each of my babies were born he was either already at the hospital or there just after. Nothing makes him happier than when we go and visit him, call him, send photos and/or text him. My dad is very good like that, even with the distance between him and me the worst he says is ‘I wish you’d move back here’ (which means Wolverhampton or surrounding areas) but he knows I can’t.
On reflecting how my feelings were going lately, then a truly wonderful day at church on Sunday I have had a lot of thoughts popping up about how my dad has adapted a parenting style that has worked well for me over the years. He’s never pressured me into being who he thinks I should be, even though he gives me far too much credit, instead he reminds me how much he loves me, respects me, likes me and is willing to do what it takes to be there for me.
I think my dad has shown me an insight to how our Heavenly Father is. Not once have I felt scorned by Him, even though I know He’s probably disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by some of my choices. What love that is?!!
I am not sure I will ever be able to replicate that kind of love and faith, I am probably far too opinionated if I’m honest but it’s great to know that even I can try again, work on it, progress.
Love is not painful, love is what keeps us thriving, succeeding, growing and moving on. Love is what God has for me, you and every other human being on this earth. The next part is the role of Jesus Christ, simply put, as the martyr on the cross He greatly proved His unconditional love for each and every one of us. That blows my mind to think about…but think I must because when I think, I feel, when I feel I learn….
…and it’s time to learn what really makes life work. God. Jesus Christ. You. Choices. Love. Faith.
So in my new endeavour to ‘Just go and do it’ {yesterdays post} I am decluttering my brain, disbanding the inhibitions and going ahead to do what I was intended to do.
Whatever that is!! 
Debs
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