Before I blurt out the contents on my head I want to just say that I have so many blessings that if they had a tangible weight they would far out weigh the things I am feeling right now. However, because I’m human I am dealing with human stuff that I am finding very overwhelming right now. My faith is not in question, just my being.
The last 4 weeks I have had a horrendous bug that wiped me off my feet. Coming to the end of it now I find I am riddled with fatigue, mentally, emotionally and physically. This in itself will highlight my feelings. I get that. I still do feel things though, things that I have felt for quite some time, to pin point it precisely, from the day I found out my ex husband was having an affair 5 years ago.
One of my fears in life is to appear weak. When I speak of my worries or my vulnerabilities I like to offset them against the strengths, the positives but right now I am ready to lay it all bear, no defences, no excuses and no apologies. This is how I feel…
Invisible. Insignificant. Unimportant. Boring. Under graded. Wired wrong.
I’m good at supporting people, encouraging them and being there for them. I’m good at being silly and joking around but I think it’s time to stop the clown performance and figure out who I am. I don’t come from a supportive family, I am the product of a marriage that was followed through so my mom could leave home. I know my parents love me but I’ve never felt loved. I was the ‘low maintenance child’ that ‘rose above it’ and ‘done the right thing’. I never shouted my corner to say ‘I need you’ so perhaps this is my penance?
I am the oldest of four, I have been physically abused by two of my siblings over the years when they’ve had their kick offs, I’ve had to shut up and put up to keep the peace, I’ve had to take parental responsibilities for them when my parents couldn’t cope. I was the parent for my parents for many years. I learnt to care for other people at a young age, I like to care, I like people to feel cared for. I learnt to put aside my feelings and address them privately if at all but now I can’t do that anymore. I feel like I am dying inside. This last few days I’ve had a fatigue that has bought me to my knees. I’ve prayed and cried, told myself I was being stupid and counted my blessings. I can’t escape the way I feel insignificant in my life. I try so hard to be a good person, to be Christlike and decent. I try hard to regain control of my business but it’s totally not working. Yes I have some invitations for work but it’s not anything that will support me financially in the long term.
I’m trying to raise my children to be happy, confident, positive and sociable yet all I feel I’m doing is faking it, lying to them. I don’t feel any of it in my heart. Right now I am so weary. I am tired of the fight. I try to make friends but they have their friends, I try to keep designing and writing but I’m all out of imagination and inspiration. I am not sure where I should turn to fix this.
Have you ever felt like who you are is just who you really shouldn’t be? Like no matter how much you reach out, try, fight and believe you are just never going to grade it? Have you ever felt that you are boring, unintelligent and the odd one out? Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered how you got to look like that? Have you ever wondered what someone could possibly see in you? Then you turn around and you have the biggest smile on your face because someone is standing at the bathroom door watching you. You cannot allow yourself to show the sadness, the pain or the weakness because these people rely solely on you for who they are to become. No fathers to share the load, to talk worries and concerns with, no family to listen without judging much less spur you on.
See I walk my life alone. Facebook is was a place I could escape, show something of me from the inside, not show the tears or the heartache that my face shows or the disappointment that yet again I have been let down. My real life is lonely, so much responsibility, accountability and yet alone. Finding and receiving help is not easy, people are busy, too far away and/or not interested. People expect me to be at a level I am yet to build up to, not realising my whole life has changed in the last year. I am having to restart every aspect from scratch, alone. I don’t have all the answers but I don’t need patronising when someone swoops in and hands out the answer cards before swiftly leaving again.
I miss meeting friends for a drink at lunchtime, I miss people dropping in, I miss the long phone calls putting the world right. I miss being invited to dinner or being asked to babysit. I miss someone just letting me be me without thinking they need to improve me or change me or tell me where I get something wrong. I want to be enough, just for one moment. I want to stop pretending to be the clown and just be me, whoever that is. I don’t want to be told I’m this lovely person because it’s the right thing to say. I don’t want to be told I’m wonderful because I am a daughter of God. God doesn’t make mistakes and I know I am His daughter, I know He has also given me a barrel load of things to think and feel knowing I will come through it. I just underestimate how hard it is to be a single parent in a new life with no-one but me to do it all.
I am supposed to be going to the Weymouth convention next week but right now it scares the living daylights out of me. I cant afford to go, the fuel, the accommodation the clothes. Yes the clothes. Mine are still in storage and all ruined, I have not had the finances to replace them, my finances have been pants this last year and I can’t seem to get ahead. I feel like a bag lady, an over weight one at that. My hair is desperate for a cut, my eyebrows feel like caterpillars and I feel like a poor excuse for a woman. No wonder I’m single.
As for conversation, I get tongue tied. I’m not as travelled or as educated as many. I didn’t grow up in the church and socialising as a single adult has sometimes been out of my financial zone, so I don’t have the friendships, the experiences and/or the knowledge that I see many do. I am at the bottom of the ladder still. My academia achievements mean nothing in the real world, not that I can see. My art of conversation has long since left, now I see the boredom on peoples faces half way through a sentence. It’s easier to socialise on the computer, no-one has to reply, they can ignore me and I would assume they’re offline. Easy.
I don’t fit anywhere. I am the odd nut in the screw tin. I try to change things and I fail. I don’t have what it takes to fight anymore. For far too long I’ve had responsibilities that I shouldn’t have had or had prematurely, I’ve always been the prop in the play of life, never one of the cast. Good ole reliable Debs, she’ll do it, she’ll help you, she’ll sacrifice. Sometimes we do more than our fair share to the point where we are damaging ourselves. Got the t-shirt on that one. I never want to stop sacrificing if someone needs it, I never want to stop caring or doing, I just need something for me. Just a little. For once in my life it would be nice if someone took care of me for a minute, let me see what it’s like to be loved and wanted and accepted.
So where now? I honestly don’t know. I am the odd one out it’s easier to stay in my little life and just get on with it. Isn’t it?
Debs
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