Lost

This post isn’t about being a single parent its more about life, feelings and direction. It could be a long one

I feel lost in my life. In life itself. In my mind I have a goal or two and I am pretty sure how to get there. I’m working on them all without dramatising my life and it’s working fine.

But I feel out of sync with myself. I wish I wasn’t such a deep thinker at times, I am sure I end up over analysing things then finding more questions than answers. On the other hand I wonder if I even think about the right things and if I hide from the things that need the most attention. There’s something else to analyse.

I love living here, in my house, this area, this town and this part of the country. I learnt a hundred things about life last year, one of them is that I don’t really have as much control as I like to think…and the Lord will step in whenever He needs to and put me where He needs me. This begs more questions, such as:

1. Why did he allow me to begin my life in the one area I really wanted to be if He needed to move me?
2. Was it really down to semantics, the landlords choices or was I part of it?
3. Do I have a purpose here?
4. What is it? Have I or am I missing it?

Charley is so happy here, being able to play out safely, have friends and just be a boy {muddy puddles and ditches, riding his bike and jumping in bushes – don’t ask!} and I love how he is so full of life and has become a dirt magnet. My little geek child has learnt how to be a boy without a man showing him but in his words ‘I am missing out on a lot mom’.

My house looks and feels like a home, being crafty I have done many things that don’t cost money at all and I love them. The downside is my asthma is chronic lately as the dust is overwhelming on bare floors. Carpets are not on the menu just yet, though I have half paid for my living room one. There is no urgency in this house to make it look how I want it, I plod on with ideas and projects as and when I have them and/or when I can do them. I am in a happy place with the house for most part.

My neighbours are extremely noisy, spoil for arguments with the couple over the road and I get pulled into it just by having a conversation with one in passing. The guys over the road assume we are talking about them, the neighbour is but I just nod and throw in the odd comment that they need to talk and clear the air. I say hi to those over the road and slowly they are {hopefully} realising I’m not part of it all. Teething problems with a whole bunch of new neighbours is inevitable, but sheesh, don’t make the problems! Where my house is I find it almost impossible to walk anywhere because of my knee injury. This week I have walked 2 miles round trip twice a day to take Charley to school because my car failed the MOT. I wish I could get rid of the knee problem first and foremost but I also feel cut off. It’s not a location where you can just walk to a shop much less into town. A bus service wont be set up from here for another year  yet, which doesn’t make sense to me.

So that brings me to my every day life. I feel that because I haven’t been able to afford to go to church, 24 mile round trip, I am now suffering for it. I try to keep the gospel in our lives as much as possible but you can never replace being present at church and being with  your fellow brothers and sisters. Ever. I miss it. I want to share the feelings of the spirit, hear the gospel from the teachers, chat to people I wouldn’t usually see, hear my son tell me how wonderful his primary teachers are and teach me what he’s learnt. I want to have a calling, prepare for the temple, get involved with activities and just find my own place there in the ward. I miss it so much.

My days are alone. The kids are at school and I spend the first couple of hours doing my housework, cutting the grass, cleaning windows etc till I’m all out of chores. I take ten minutes to plan out what I need to do, such as calls, emails, letters etc and get onto it. I very often find I have 3-4 hours unspoken for and that's when I struggle. Facebook takes up some of that time yet as much as I love to chat and banter on there it has become my social life. I applied for 30+ jobs through March, as yet I’ve heard back from just 3 letting me know I was unsuccessful but they will keep my details on file.

Do you see there’s a pattern here? Many blessings but many loose ends? I need to fill those loose ends asap. Without the car I can’t do it. Without an income to pay for the car I can’t do it. I cant get from here to a work place without having pain and swelling from my knee. I’m kinda stuck.

There’s only so much procrastinating a person can do before it drags them down so I compiled a list of what I can do…

• Bring my journal up to date
• Read good, edifying books
• Plan and prepare family home evenings for the next month
• Write letters to friends
• Prepare meals for the freezer
• Make some wall art ready for putting in frames
• Do some family history/indexing
• Declutter our clothing, bedding and see what can be donated/upcycled
• Organise my food storage/kitchen units
• Work on a budget/savings plan

So far I’m doing pretty well with all of those, some are on going and some are completed now. I need a purpose. A real one.

Bedtimes are the hardest, it’s not so much being alone it’s more about having the quiet time where my head is racing all over again. I check on the kids about 4/5 times before I finally settle down, I curl up in bed, nestle my scriptures in the duvet and I page-hop being lead from one scripture to another. I feel the urge to talk about what I’ve just read or learnt but there’s no one to talk to or text at 2am so I note it in my journal, knowing I probably wont read it back for a year or two.  I wake around 7am most mornings and although feeling tired I am happy because I decide to be.

While I’m not depressed I do feel very sad and rather low. Dare I say it, kind of left alone and isolated. I just don’t know how to change it all.

The weekends are the hardest, I have come to really dislike them just lately. Stuck in the house doing the same thing I’ve done for the previous 5 days.

Debs