Choices

Elder David A Bednar gave a talk a few years ago about us choosing to be offended and to decide beforehand not to allow that, to ‘hear’ or ‘see’ something in the way it was intended now how we feel we should accept it. I wholly agree with that.

But once in a while I fail at it.

And I hurt.

When I know I’ve offended someone it plays on my mind, I need to put it right and I don’t really settle till I know I’m forgiven and all is well again. Sometimes this takes more time than I’d like but I see that as a test to my own patience and the other person needing to process in their own time.

I’m not aware of not trying to correct a wrong but if I have any outstanding I hope I remember them. I am far from perfect, I am willing to fix and change things, I am willing and able to compromise and do what I can.

At the moment I’m struggling with practice what we preach syndrome. I activated an apology after I made a joke, offended someone and it all got blew up out of proportion. I spent the last 24 hours in tears, I’m so tired from not being able to sleep for longer than 20 mins before waking up crying again. I accept I commented in the wrong place, I accept that not everyone understands my humour and I accept that some may not even see how it was intended. Heck, maybe it was even inappropriate! So I apologised to the person concerned. Technically this is all I can do but as other people are involved I see how this is already backfiring.

I am coming to dislike the surroundings I choose to belong to at times, I almost always feel that I am wrong no  matter what I say or how I feel. It appears that little or no attempt to understanding me or my feelings is being made while I am trying to understand others. I question things, I can’t just be a yes-girl, heck even President Hinckley exhorted us to question things, even things he said, even to pray about them. It seems to me that the word here is ‘conform’.

So I have a huge decision to make. It’s not easy because I don’t want to be in this situation but my life right now is at a low ebb, health issues that I will never overcome, mobility that I cant change and physically I will never manage without round the clock pain but as few are really aware of the effects of this I doubt there is much credit when I do speak up. So while I am grateful for these challenges I know there is a way through them and Heavenly Father will lead me well but emotionally I am not strong enough to feel so insignificant and low. The really sad thing is I feel my heart hardening. I don’t think I’ve ever had a hardened heart in my life but there’s something not working for me around here and I have to figure it out.

One day things will get better and very often I don’t think it will be in this life.

Debs